Exes & Oh's
by FatGnat
Summary: Valentine's Day, viewed from the inside of a pantry. Addison-centric.
1. Chapter 1

Cooper suspected he was made of fail. Epic fail, even.

He'd jumped on the offer of a weekend away, even if it was a lavish weekend wedding, when Addison had indicated that she needed a date. She didn't want to attend the nuptials of one Calliope Torres to her erstwhile lover, Mark Sloan, when the best man was her ex-husband, on her own. Cooper could sympathize with that, having his own share of too complicated sexual relations, despite his philosophy of casual Internet hookups. They'd bonded over their mutual failure to date someone suitable when Cooper had walked out on a naked Violet and Pete stood Addison up, so it had been decided that they'd be losers together and eat lots of cake.

It turned out the Torres were loaded and Cooper had felt out of his element as the smell of old money wafted off everything and everyone. He'd known Addison was from Connecticut, but he'd quickly figured out, when placed into this environment, that she was a trust fund kind of girl and not only a double board certified surgeon. She mingled effortlessly and the hosts seemed to have taken a definite shine to her. So, tired of feeling like he was the redheaded bastard stepchild, Cooper may have neglected to correct the mistaken assumption of Nana Torres and a few other people that he was the lovely Addison's 'beau.'

At first, he'd justified it by reasoning that Addison didn't need Derek Shepherd and his pubescent looking date, or Mark Sloan who'd married a truly stunning woman, to know that she was single, but now, as the hour of his judgment crept nearer, Cooper recognized that it had more to do with his unease at socialization with people over the age of twelve. And, Addison would probably kill him for insinuating himself into her love life.

Hence, the epic fail and he hadn't even gotten to taste any cake.

That was the only explanation as to why he was here, hiding out in the Torres' pantry instead of mingling with the other wedding guests like someone with decent social skills would be doing. He hadn't meant to hide, really. He'd just gotten a little overwhelmed at the whole talking to other adults thing and he'd stepped away for a moment to take a break. He hadn't even known this was the pantry when he came in, but it suited his purposes nicely.

It was quiet in here, and there weren't any people asking him how long he'd known Addison, or how long they'd been dating and what kind of surgery did he specialize in? He knew he should get back out there, that Addison would be wondering where he was and it was very rude to abandon your date like that. And, he would return, in just a minute. Right after he finished bracing himself to face the people out there again.

"So what do you think of Addison's date?"

Cooper froze at the sound of the woman's voice, not sure whether he wanted to hear what they thought of him. He didn't have much choice, though, considering his only choices were either to come out of the closet (and yes, he was aware of what that sounded like) or to huddle on the floor in here with his fingers in his ears. That was a little too sad, even for him.

Peering through the crack in the door, he saw that the woman's voice belonged to the skinny woman-child who was attending the wedding with Derek Shepherd. Standing with her was Addison's ex himself. Cooper groaned silently. This was so not good. He hadn't had a whole lot of interaction with either of them, but enough to know that he was none too popular with the other man.

"I think he's cute. Nice eyes, good teeth and a hot ass." A tall blonde, whose name Cooper couldn't remember, stopped to look at the couple by the counter. "Oh, you weren't asking me." She looked completely unrepentant at butting into a private conversation and Cooper smiled at her assessment of his totally hot ass.

"Don't you think he looks kind of like me, though?" Addison's ex asked.

Oh, they looked nothing alike! Cooper palmed his face. How conceited could you get? Addison was moping over her failure to date eligible men, but she wasn't clinging onto her ex-husband. In fact, the first mention Cooper ever heard of an ex-husband had been when she talked about the invitation to this wedding. He did kind of look a bit like Pete, though. If Pete had been short and had a broken nose, that was.

"Please," the blonde scoffed. "You're a shimp and have a crooked nose." Hey, great minds think alike! It was really too bad there was no graceful way for Cooper to get this woman's contact details for some hot cybersex. "That's why you're Pretty and Sloan is Prettier."

Shepherd looked affronted, but his date spoke before he could reply, "I think he's adorkable."

"Adorkable? That's not even a word!"

"It is. He's kind of dorky, but adorable," the date said sweetly and Cooper wondered if she was trying to wind up her guy. "Did you not see him interacting with those kids?" Because Derek Shepherd clearly didn't like this turn of the conversation.

Raising up from his slouch at the counter, the other man looked like even more of a sourpuss. "You think she'll have children by him?"

Okay, whoa, this was moving from strange into bizarre and never-gonna-happen. Addison and Cooper were just friends and colleagues, not even a couple and here her ex was contemplating whether or not they would have kids. And, looking pretty prickly about it too. Maybe he didn't like children?

"Their babies would have very pretty eyes." The date smiled innocently at Addison's ex-husband, who looked even more annoyed. "I think they're sweet together."

Really, this whole eavesdropping thing wasn't half-bad. Cooper found himself grinning, even though he knew there was no reason to. According to Addison's friends, he was some adorable (albeit dorky, but that wasn't anything he didn't already know) guy with a cute ass who would have pretty-eyed babies with an incredibly hot woman. He felt like one of those studs he was always pretending to be online.

"Yeah, really sweet," Derek snorted. "If he's such a sweet, dreamy guy, then why has Addison been by herself out there for the last half hour? What do you want to bet he's holed up in some closet somewhere with one of the other bridesmaids?"

"Hey!" Before he could even think about it, Cooper had pushed the pantry door open and marched out to confront Addison's ex-husband. He planted his hands on his hips in his most intimidating posture, but couldn't for the life of him think of what to say next. "There aren't any bridesmaids in there! I was just looking for cake!"

The tall blonde who'd been going about her business, which seemed to involve strawberries, turned to peek inside the pantry. "Yeah, no half-naked women in there. There are thin mints, though." She grabbed a packet, tasted one and chewed thoughtfully. "Not bad." She offered it to Cooper.

Resigning himself to feeling humiliated, he took one and nodded to her in approval. They were good. Not cake, but in its absence, they were acceptable piehole stuffers. Anything that would keep him from shoving his foot further down his own throat was a good thing.

"The groom's cake is delicious," Addison's ex-husband's date said, finally recovered from his sudden appearance. "Very rich chocolatey goodness, don't you think so?" She turned to Derek, who was studying Cooper with a glare he found disconcerting.

"So, Cooper..." Derek started, only to be interrupted by the arrival of another woman.

"This is where the cool kids hang out?" The tall brunette looked around curiously.

What was with all the women being statuesque at this party? With the notable exception of Addison's ex's date, who was teeny tiny and looked like she could stand to eat a hearty meal or three. Then again, Derek Shepherd wasn't very tall, so maybe the date was compensation for his feelings of inadequacy? Cooper was pretty sure Addison in heels was a good deal taller than her ex-husband.

"Well, we're still undecided on teaching Shepherd there the secret handshake. A thin mint?" the blonde offered the newcomer a treat.

"Thank you. You're Hahn, right, cardio?" the brunette munched on her chocolate. "Shepherd, obstetrics, and as someone who knew Derek when he was a bandgeek, I have to say you're doing the right thing."

At that, Cooper snickered. At least there was no one at this party who could out him as a Dungeons & Dragons fanatic in junior high. He'd been a wizard who'd launched fireballs at his foes. He'd also composed love songs on his guitar to the girl of his dreams, which he of course had been too chicken to play for her. Maybe Derek had written an ode to love and played it on his tuba outside Addison's bedroom window?

"I don't believe I know you." The brunette pointed a finger at him and Cooper swallowed his mouthful of chocolate. "You're here with Addison, right?"

"Uh, yes, I am." Cooper nodded, grateful that his words were coming out semi-coherently, at least. "Cooper Freedman. I'm a... uh..." He tried to find something to say that wouldn't sound like he was Addison's boyfriend, but also wouldn't sound like he wasn't. "I'm in charge of pediatrics down at the Oceanside Wellness Group."

He winced. That made it sound like Addison had asked a coworker to come with her to the wedding because she didn't have a date. Which was true, but he hadn't wanted to admit it to her ex and her friends and he suspected that she wouldn't be too happy either. Even if she'd never given him permission to pretend to be her boyfriend. Life as Cooper was complicated!

"You do pediatric surgery?" Addison's ex raised an eyebrow at him, as if he wasn't sure whether Cooper was putting him on or not. "Maybe you could give me a consult later on a case I've been working on. A three year old boy with a spinal tumor. Very sad."

"Uh, yeah, that is," Cooper began, not sure whether he could get his way out of this one.

He could tell that Derek was trying to goad him, and that he knew perfectly well that Cooper wasn't any surgeon and was merely looking to embarrass him in front of everyone. Cooper considered himself a really easygoing guy, but he couldn't understand why Addison would have married such a jackass.

"Now, Derek, don't get all territorial on your replacement. You have new territory on which to..." his sister drifted off, but nodded toward his date.

"Piss," the blonde, Hahn, supplied helpfully and popped another thin mint into her mouth.

Cooper was grateful to the women for tag-teaming the other guy off his back, but he had a feeling it was only a matter of time before they would turn on him. They were much like a circling pack of wolves, rounding up their prey. Addison's ex was leaning on the counter again, shaking his head and muttering something about four sisters.

"So, Addison's new guy," the Shepherd sister of unknown first name looked him over, "You're cute."

If he'd known he'd be studied like some kind of freaky specimen in a petri dish, Cooper would have stayed at home. Addison's friends were scary and predatory, making Charlotte King seem declawed in comparison. They were also hot and it had been a while since three women at once eyed his ass in quite this way.

"Yeah, I just said the same thing, but that was before I knew he likes to lurk in pantries," Hahn added conversationally, offering the other woman another chocolate. "It's a little weird, the pantry lurking."

"He was just looking for cake," the date spoke up for Cooper. "It doesn't make him a pantry lurker."

It was sweet of her to defend him, covering up his deficiencies, but he'd gotten the impression that the best man's date felt every bit as much like an outsider as he did. The feast served up at the rehearsal dinner the night before and the church wedding with a dozen bridesmaids, the bombastic organ music and the cloying scent of roses -- it all underscored the sense that romance and, by extension, happiness were an indulgence for those who could afford the grand gestures. Emotional vagrants holed up in the pantries, comfort eating scraps and eavesdropping on the well-adjusted.

Addison's ex snorted, "He was probably looking for a safe place to avoid Addison."

"Hey!" Cooper put his hands on his hips and struck his best outraged tough guy pose... which probably looked as butch and intimidating as Sam's little rat-dog, but he had to do something. "I wasn't hiding from Addison! I just said I was looking for cake!"

He thought for a moment. "I was going to get her some! Yeah!"

Cooper could see why the ex-husband would be bummed Addison had left him. She was hot, smart, kind and had a beautiful smile, but all this misdirected hostility was annoying and not just a little pathetic. Derek Shepherd could use a session or two with Violet to get over himself.

"Easy there, big boy." The Shepherd sister patted his arm. "My baby brother doesn't like to share his toys, but we know how to keep him in line." She grabbed Derek's arm, twisting the skin as he yelped in surprise.

"Shit, Nancy!" He yanked away his arm and rubbed the skin gingerly, glaring death rays at his sister. "What the hell was that for?"

To say that move was unexpected would be an understatement. Nancy Shepherd looked and sounded posh, much more upper-class than her brother, but Cooper may have underestimated her because he could swear her eyes danced with barely restrained mischief. Like the queen of the fairies some of his little patients insisted had made them stuff peas up their noses, or eat lipstick, or do any number of socially impolite activities.

"Indian burns, huh?" Hahn's eyes met Nancy's before she turned and smirked at Derek, who was glowering at both women. "I'll have to remember that. You never know when you'll have to deflate an ego or two."

"Wet willies work well too," Cooper offered, grateful for Nancy's assistance. "I saw this kid a few weeks back, he had a broken arm but he was a master of the wet willies. He got just about everyone at the practice at some point while he was there." He shut up, knowing he was rambling and that babbling on about wet willies wouldn't make him look smooth or sophisticated.

Going to a Valentine's Day wedding attended by all of Addison's friends and acquaintances, as well as an assortment of ex-in-laws had been a bad idea. He'd hoped to escape all the red and pink, the flowers and the candy, and feeling like a loser. Instead, he got to feel like an even bigger loser, someone who lurked in pantries so others wouldn't judge him.

"Cooper?" He looked around to find Addison standing in the doorway. "I brought you some cake."

She held out a plate to him which he eagerly took. It was cake! Because he could see her ex observing them, Cooper thanked her for the offering with a kiss on the cheek. She had really soft skin and smelled good, and he avoided looking at her afterwards, in case he'd made things weird now. He really just didn't like the ex-husband, or the comment he'd made about Cooper running away from Addison.

"I see you've met everyone," Addison continued and Cooper nodded, unable to speak due to his mouth being full of cake. He swallowed and told himself firmly to take smaller bites. Being Weird Pantry-Lurking Guy was bad enough without adding Cake-Inhaler on top of it. "Is everyone playing nice?" She looked at her ex when she said that last part, her mouth set in that 'don't fuck with me' expression of hers that was both scary and really hot.

"Uh, yeah," he managed, making what he was sure was a rather unconvincing smile. "We were just..." he trailed off. "Talking about kid stuff!"

Wow, that was smooth.

"Nancy was showing us some tricks on how to deal with Dr. McPissy over there," Hahn added, looking very amused at Derek's scowling face. "She gave a demonstration on Indian burns and I think Cooper here was just about to demonstrate wet willies for us."

Before he had time to react, Addison had wet her pinky and stuck it in his ear. "Like that?" she beamed when he hollered and accidentally threw his piece of cake off the plate.

Seeing it sail through the air in slow motion, he knew before it hit that the trajectory would bring cake and frosting, like hail and brimstone, onto the ex-husband's date. It was just a bad day to be Cooper.

Silence descended as they all watched a piece of frosting float down the tiny blonde's forehead and drip onto her open-toed shoes. Her feet would get very sticky from that sugary confection. She looked too stunned to speak and Derek looked like he was angry with Addison for the accident.

"I'm so sorry!" Cooper scooped up some cake with his fingers and looked around wild-eyed for what to do with it.

"It's okay, Cooper," the cake-attacked woman, whose name he really ought to remember, whispered and he got caught in her eyes.

There was a brief moment, like a breath and then he felt Addison's presence. She pressed some paper towels into his hand and proceeded to dab at the dress with a rag.

"What the hell was that for?" Derek demanded, glaring at his ex-wife. "Honestly, Addison, are you that vindictive?"

Cooper looked up from where he had crouched down to remove the date's shoe so he could get it clean, not liking the way Derek was shouting. "I'm the one who spilled the cake, so why aren't you yelling at me?" He stood up, shoe in hand and turned to confront Shepherd, waving the shoe in his face. "No wonder she divorced you, you asshat!"

He wasn't sure what he'd expected, but the homicidal maniac look in the other man's eyes was disturbing. Next thing Cooper knew, he was trying to clobber the brain surgeon with a lady's shoe to make the other man let go of his throat. There was much shouting and tugging in every direction, and pain. Lots of pain.

Just like he thought, his day was made of epic fail. 


	2. Chapter 2

What was a Valentine's wedding without pink champagne? Derek stared morosely at the bottle. For some odd reason, he'd expected something less tacky from Callie Torres, but then again, she'd showed deplorable taste in friends by including his ex-wife in her bridal party and she had married Mark. So, a lavish wedding with champagne rosИ was oddly appropriate. He was sure it was a step up from her impulsive first marriage... At least 'Sloan' didn't rhyme with her own name. Callie O'Malley sounded like a leprechaun.

The kitchen was silent now that the happy couple had carted off Addison's latest conquest to patch him up -- who knew the guy'd bleed like a little pig? Meredith had gone to change out of her sugarcoated dress and Derek was all alone with his bottle of bubbly. He slowly rotated the bottle as he uncorked it, so it'd open with a whispery hiss instead of a pop. Addison had taught him that -- it wasted less of the drink and the oxygenation was even distributed. She'd also said it was called 'le soupir amoureux,' the loving sigh. It had sounded ever so romantic back then, when she could make words like 'oxygenation' sound sexy by the way they rolled off her tongue.

Derek had thought he'd never see her again and he was genuinely happy about that. Then she'd shown up for this wedding, which doubled as a romantic weekend getaway for Meredith and himself, with her man candy in tow. She'd set tongues wagging about how lovely she was and what a sweetheart her gentleman was. Yeah, right. Derek snorted as he poured some champagne in the nearest glass he could find. Even his own damn family seemed slightly besotted in Cooper Freedman, kiddie doctor extraordinaire. Then again, Derek had four sisters and he suspected that all of them had slept with Mark at some point, so they clearly didn't have the best taste in men.

The interloper even had the audacity to try to pass himself off as a surgeon. As if! A pediatric surgeon would serve as the matching pair to Addison's skills as a neonatal specialist. There was clearly an inferiority complex at play there, and how could she even consider having that man's children? Derek had waited years for her to be ready for a family! Now, he was waiting for Meredith to decide to move in with him and he was nowhere nearer to having any kids than he'd been ten years before. Addison hadn't known this pediatrician a few months ago and already they were planning to contribute to the overpopulation.

It was ridiculous, all of it.

He drank a mouthful of the champagne, letting it hiss in his mouth before he swallowed, wishing it was scotch. If Derek had to put up with his adulterous witch of an ex-wife and her oh-so-perfect date, he would need real alcohol, and a lot more than one glass of premium pink he didn't like anyway.

"I thought you didn't drink pink champagne."

Speak of the devil, Derek thought as he watched Addison approach him, her lips curling up into a smirk. Just charming, really. Having his ex-wife come to either mock him or else bitch at him for not adoring her new boyfriend was going to be the cherry on top of this miserable sundae of woe. It wasn't like Meredith wasn't pissed off enough at him already, she'd been whining at him all day and he'd have to manipulate her into sex the coming evening.

"Yeah, well, my need for alcohol outweighs whatever color the booze might be."

He scowled at her, growing angrier as her smirk grew bigger. She was having a grand old time today, ruining his romantic weekend with Meredith, and flaunting her baby making scheme right in front of him. He drained his champagne flute and set it down roughly on the table, watching it wobble briefly before falling off the edge and smashing onto the floor. Fucking fantastic.

"I'm sure it must be taxing to hit my date." Addison rolled her eyes, but Derek could detect a trace of ire in her voice. She hadn't been angry when he'd decked Mark back at Seattle Grace, and that fact pissed him off even more. "Being an ass must be absolutely exhausting."

Derek glowered at her, wondering how she always knew just when to show up and torment him. "What's so great about the guy?" She seemed to have a sixth sense in that respect and swooped in to ruin things, whenever he had a chance at being happy. "He hid in the pantry to eavesdrop on people! Tell me that's not seriously creepy."

He looked at the way she pursed her lips and crossed her arms, emphasizing her cleavage in that dress. She was such a slut, trying to distract him with her long legs and red hair. Next thing Derek knew, he was holding a fistful of that hair, forcing Addison's head back as he attacked her neck with his lips, tongue and teeth. Her skin was soft and cool, and they stumbled sideways, toward the pantry, when he pulled impatiently on the shoulder straps of her bridesmaid dress.

xo xo xo

His left nostril was fitted with a super absorbent Tampax to stem the blood flow and the newlyweds were staring at him, heads pressed together as if they were surveying a crime scene. Cooper decided they'd have pretty eyed babies too, just like his immaculately conceived offspring with Addison. Callie had dark velvet eyes and Hahn was right, Sloan really was so much prettier than Derek Shepherd. The other guy didn't have the dense eyelashes Cooper did, so Addison would be much better off borrowing his genes for her munchkin.

"He's not too coordinated, is he?" Callie squinted at him as she dabbed at the cut on his forehead. Cooper winced and tried hard not to whimper. It _really_ stung. "It hurts a lot less if you hit the other guy."

The tampon string fluttered, tickling his lips as Cooper tried to breathe through his mouth and pretend this hadn't turned out to be the worst Valentine's Day in his life. That included the day in preschool when he ate the macaroni that had been glued to his homemade Valentine card, the one for his mom. Cooper had had to have his stomach pumped because of the toxins in the glitter paint and all in all, it had been a defining moment.

"Yeah, no point in doing the dirty work for Derek," Mark grinned, clearly enjoying the scene. He clapped Cooper on the shoulder, and this time Cooper did whimper, loudly.

"I didn't bean to!" he protested, his voice coming out stuffy, most likely due to the feminine hygiene product stuffed up his nose. He tried again, and this time he sounded clearer. "I was oxygen deprived!"

Getting his ass kicked by Addison's ex, in front of a lot of really hot women, was humiliating enough without his grand finale of smacking himself in the face with a shoe and getting knocked out. His head hurt, his face hurt, and rendering himself unconscious might have been the best thing to happen all day, since it prevented Derek Shepherd from choking him to death.

"Well, it's the thought that counts," Callie smiled slightly. "You're the first guy I've seen Addison with who actually is sweet. Good for her!"

Yeah, that pretty much summed it up. He was the sweet guy who passed by unnoticed because women liked the edgy danger of the pretty-faced bad boys.

"Hey!"

The smarmy Dereks, mysterious Petes and over-sexed Marks would always get the girl. Not that Cooper wanted Addison or anything, but she should still have warned him about the homicidal ex-husband, since he was doing her a favor by renting a tux. His good shirt was ruined now too.

Callie looked up at her husband of two hours and scoffed, "You are many things, Mark, but dreamy isn't one of them."

For a pair who got married at a grand to-do on the sickliest holiday of the year, they certainly didn't fit the bill of the lovey-dovey, touchy-feely, kiss-you-till-you-suffocate couples. They seemed more like the kind who thought tenderness was for sissies and angry sex was a display of affection.

"I can be dreamy!" Mark insisted stubbornly, giving his wife a pouty look. "I'm good at the romantic fluffy bits! Remember how I made O'Malley hold that wedding dress for hours?" He grinned at Callie. "It was all for you, honey."

Cooper could see her trying not to smile, and felt even more depressed. What was the point of being a good guy? All it got you was the opportunity to comfort the girl you wanted, after she was crushed by the asshat, only to see her go running back for more. That, and getting beat up by surprisingly strong, albeit shrimpy little twerps. He wanted to be badass too! He wanted to swoop in and just once, sweep the girl away. At least online, he could pretend to be a stud.

"The way you asked me to move to LA was certainly dreamy," Callie agreed, grinning at him. "'Wanna move to the boob job capital of the country with me?' is so much more romantic than 'Will you marry me?'"

"You're boving to LA?" Cooper blurted out, his voice coming out stuffy again in his surprise. Not that Addison's friends moving to Southern California was a bad thing, but Cooper would never hear the end of it if this story ever got back to the Oceanside group.

"We're moving into our new place as soon as we get back from the honeymoon." Mark added, puffing up like a peacock for some reason. "They begged me to take the Head of Plastics post at St. Ambrose, and Callie's on the ortho staff."

So they weren't just moving to LA, they would be working right next door. Cooper sighed, trying to figure out if that was good or bad, and accidentally tried to shove the tampon up his brain when he leaned against his hand. He winced. They seemed nice, although it would make things wildly complicated to say the least, since they thought he was Addison's boyfriend.

He liked being Addison's pretend-boyfriend with a cute ass and a sweet disposition, who'd make lovely imaginary babies, but he wasn't sure how he'd keep up that charade in front of all his friends and coworkers. Especially since Addison probably didn't want a pantry-lurker for a fake significant other and Cooper was having all his hot, dirty sex with the woman who'd be Sloan's boss lady. He was so incredibly screwed.

"I have to say, that knockout blow was most impressive." Mark grinned so broadly that Cooper wanted to smile too, even though it wasn't the least bit funny. "Your aim sucked, granted, but the force you delivered it with was really good."

"Is it broken?" Cooper wanted to know, the tampon string brushing his finger as he pointed up at his nose. Not like it mattered so much, really, given that it would still hurt regardless, but he kept having the horrible image in his head of his nose looking like Derek Shepherd's. Why couldn't he have at least gotten in some good licks of his own against the guy?

"I could give you a good deal on rhinoplasty." Mark leaned over his wife's shoulder to feel Cooper's nose, but more importantly it seemed, so he could peer down her dress. "These hands are the hottest commodity in plastics."

Moving swiftly, he copped a feel of what he evidently considered a hot commodity of his wife's and Cooper's eyes widened when Callie's hand shot out to grab Sloan's crotch. "Not in front of the guests, dear," she smiled sweetly at both men. "We can have hot, sweaty, half-naked sex in the kitchen pantry when I've patched up Cooper's boo boo and sent him off to Addison to kiss it all better."

xo xo xo

Addison moaned, low and slow, against his skin. Her hand was in his hair, scratching his scalp and he was fucking her hard. The shelves behind her back were creaking ominously, but Derek couldn't be bothered. She was so damn hot. Hot and wet and he groaned, louder than he was comfortable with doing in the present company, in response to her muscles squeezing him mercilessly. She was obviously serious about her Kegel exercises -- he felt like he could blow like a champagne bottle at any moment. It was like being possessed by a succubus, all hot and evil.

Her hair tousled and lips swollen from their kisses, Addison was the very picture of seductive. The dress was pulled down, baring a breast to his view and touch, and bunched up around her midriff, leaving her legs in plain view, hip to overpriced heel. She was wearing those fancy stockings which stayed up by themselves, her skin above the lace was smooth and warm, and Derek couldn't remember the last time he'd been this excited about a quickie.

Actually, it reminded him of the early stage of their relationship when they couldn't keep their hands off each other. Fucking in a pantry at a friend's wedding would be completely normal for them -- hell, they'd gone at it in the potting shed at Kathleen's wedding, knocking over his mother's azalea and getting ass splinters from the work bench, so this was nothing new for them. Nothing new at all, if you overlooked the fact that they were divorced and in relationships with other people.

Addison had cheated on Derek with Mark and on Mark with God knew who. Now she was cheating on her new boyfriend with her ex-husband at her lover's wedding. Her breath hitched in her throat every time his pubic bone came into contact with her clit and his muscles quivered with the effort of driving into her as Derek kept her pinned up against the jars of pickle. No moral fortitude, that was what was wrong with her.

"Derek," she moaned, her face flushed and her breath hot against his face.

He'd always found it hot when Addison used his name while they were fucking, and this was no exception. He wondered if he could get her to scream it when she came -- he was betting she only had very polite and considerate sex with her soulful baby daddy. Well, screw that. Derek would give her orgasms alright, but there'd be nothing genteel about them.

He hiked up her left leg, the one resting over his arm, higher and swiveled his hips on the upstroke. Oh God, but this was the best damn sex he'd had in a long time! Actually, probably since the prom and his exam room fuck with Meredith. Goddammit! It had all seemed so clear then, that he'd realized his mistake and left Addison, and now... Now she was making little sex noises, her fingers and nails digging into his muscles, as her head lolled back onto the shelf.

Living with Meredith's ups and downs made Derek feel disconnected, like he was her sex toy and he couldn't get her to commit to any of the things he wanted. A house, a home, a family. A life together! He ran his tongue along Addison's exposed throat, sensing the rapid flutter of her pulse, like a tiny butterfly, and felt like he might implode. After eleven years of miserable marriage, Addison suddenly got her shit together and rubbed her whirlwind romance right in his face. She was such a fucking bitch.

Derek had been in lust all over again from the moment she'd waltzed in through the doorway the other day, in her strappy heels and a yellow sundress that enfolded, enhanced and enticed. He couldn't think, couldn't focus on a single thing Meredith said and this was supposed to double as their romantic getaway! It was his one shot at convincing his girlfriend to give him what he wanted and all he could think about was touching his ex-wife's unblemished skin.

She'd been all hot and so charming that no one could resist her. She even had Torres, Callie's old man, wrapped around her finger and of course, the kiddie doctor acted like Addison was the perfect woman instead of a cheating whore. Except her boyfriend didn't know she was in here, in the pantry, fucking Derek while he bled all over his shirt. Some perfect woman she was.

Derek would have rolled his eyes, but all his energy was going into not coming before she did. He'd never hear the end of it, if that happened, but he could feel his balls tightening further in warning.

"Come for me," he whispered. "Addison... come for me." Just a puff of breath into her ear, "Please."

A can toppled over and rolled over the edge of the shelf as the pace grew more frantic. They were both bracing against the structure and Derek wove their fingers together, making Addison whimper in the process as it drew her extended leg up closer to her chest and changed the angle of his thrust.

Her hand squeezed his hard. "Derek." It sounded suspiciously like a sob, but then he felt Addison's teeth sink into his neck and everything tunneled down to the pleasure he felt when her muscles clamped down on him and he exploded.

After, he was shoved away and Addison was trying to work herself back into her bra and her dress. She wouldn't look at him and Derek touched the tendon she'd bit. It would bruise like a bitch, but right now, he didn't care too much. Watching his ex-wife, he absently stuffed himself back into his pants. He should have cleaned up a bit first, but there was nothing to use short of the skirt of Addison's dress and asking her if she had a Kleenex or two seemed out of the question too.

She turned toward him, her maelstrom eyes a cold blue despite the rosy hue of her skin and Derek wanted to mock the sex hair she sported. It was wild and cute. He couldn't help but smile and it was even one of his dreamy ones. A feat considering this was his adulterous ex-wife, but he'd just had hot, steamy pantry sex and could afford to be generous.

Addison came closer and he briefly wondered if she would kiss him or snatch him bald-headed. Doing neither, Derek felt her press something soft into his hand and close his fingers around it. "A memento," she smiled, "Something for Meredith to remember me by," as she walked out of the pantry and left him staring at her panties in his hand.


	3. Chapter 3

Coming eye to eye with Richard Webber, Addison realized that she should have focused less on her big exit and more on whether the kitchen was empty. Her hair was messy, her clothing rumpled, she felt sticky and had fluids leaking out of her because she was stupid and impulsive and just a bit catty, but mostly stupid to leave her panties with Derek.

"Addison!" Richard exclaimed, looking positively delighted to see her.

He didn't seem to notice her disheveled appearance, something for which Addison was immensely grateful, but she was well-aware that she had to get him out of the kitchen before Derek emerged from the pantry. She really didn't want anyone finding out that she'd had sex with her ex-husband. It couldn't get any more embarrassing than to have everybody from Seattle take further note of her sex life.

"Richard, I've hardly seen you this weekend." Addison smiled, trying to pretend she didn't need an urgent visit to the bathroom. "Are you avoiding me because you promised to come visit?" Underwear, a pantyliner, and a hairbrush were the things she needed most.

The Chief looked sheepish and she tried to steer them both towards the door. Although, moving produced that disgusting feeling of semen dribbling down her leg. What the hell had she been thinking? Sex in public without any easy clean-up, such as a condom, was idiotic and even more deranged was having sex with her ex-husband whom she didn't even like in the first place. He was just so infuriating! All smug and self-satisfied and that shouldn't turn her on. He was out of her system, once and for all! Addison had left Seattle and now she just had to wash him off her body.

"I've been trying to get a word with you all weekend, but someone was always monopolizing your attention," Richard said sadly, stopping at the table to help himself to a crab cake, which he popped into his mouth. "I was hoping to get to meet your gentleman friend too, since everyone here seems quite taken with him."

"Oh, Cooper isn't..." Addison trailed off, wondering how to finish the sentence. She didn't know how people here had gotten the impression that Cooper and she were a couple, but everyone certainly believed it now. Granted, she'd asked him to be her date because she didn't want her friends and former co-workers to know how pathetic her love life was. Besides, Cooper was a sweet guy who wouldn't get any ideas. He also wouldn't embarrass her by having sex with Meredith Grey in the pantry, so that was a definite plus too. "Cooper's still getting changed, but I'll make sure to introduce him to you before the end of the night."

"Be sure that you do," Richard said with a smile, helping himself to another crab cake. "You'll have to tell me everything you've been up to since you moved. I want to hear about how you're liking private practice."

There was a noise from the direction of the pantry just then, and Addison flashed her brightest smile at her mentor and former boss, desperate to keep him distracted. "Well, you'll just have to take that vacation and come visit," she suggested, touching his arm lightly. "You have years worth of vacation time saved up, so you have no excuse not to come and see for yourself."

Much to her horror, Addison saw that the door was slowly opening, so she grabbed hold of Richard's arm, positioning him so his back was turned. It wouldn't do to have him catch an eyeful of a rumpled and disheveled Derek emerging with her panties in hand. Having the Chief find out she'd fucked her ex in the pantry would be mortifying, quite on par with when she had to tell him who Mark was.

"You'll have to let me know when you're planning on visiting," she said quickly, hoping to distract him from the sight of her ex doing God knew what. "You're going to tell me exactly what day you're coming before the end of the weekend, because I know you. You'll say 'soon' and put it off and never come at all."

Richard sighed and looked self-conscious. "How about at the end of the month?" He offered Addison a crab cake which she declined, to nervous about her dirty laundry being aired publicly. "I could take a few days off and you could show me your new life?"

She nodded, "We could have dinner with Callie and Mark one night."

There was a beat of silence before Richard said, "I'd like that," and then there was noise enough from Derek's direction to be unmistakable. "You think they have raccoons here? I had a slight issue in my trailer..." He started to turn around, "They like to come in and steal food," and Addison panicked.

She grabbed him and then, she kissed him. On the mouth. With tongue.

"Ahem." Oh dear God, no. Addison spun around, barely registering Richard's shell-shocked expression, to face Callie. "I need you for the bouquet toss."

To judge by the other woman's expression, she wasn't fooling anyone about looking sex rumpled. "We were just--"

Callie made an abortive movement. "I'm sure the Chief had gotten a crab cake lodged in his throat and you were removing it for him."

Well, this was just lovely. Today she had supposedly cheated on her pretend boyfriend with her mentor, and had actually cheated on him with her ex-husband. Addison shot a glance in Derek's direction and found him staring at her, with his mouth open. Her panties were nowhere to be seen and her thighs were still wet and sticky with his semen. Richard shifted uneasily and Addison realized Callie was waiting for someone to say something.

"So, the bouquet...?" she tried to be circumspect in moving toward the doorway where Callie stood.

"Yeah, you know the floral arrangement from hell I had to hold? You have to catch it."

Okay, _so_ not doing that. The only place Addison was heading was to the bathroom. She'd been married, it didn't work out so well and she wasn't about to stand there like an idiot with a bunch of flowers in her hand while both her ex-husband and his best friend smirked at her. The icky body fluid dribbling down her legs had to be cleaned up before it started to dry and get flakey, so she was not going to catch the bride's bouquet and probably have everyone think she was going to marry Cooper. There was a limit to bridesmaid duties and Addison had hit hers.

"I really don't think that's a good idea." Even with her back turned to everyone, she could feel Derek glowering at her and Richard still gaping in shock. This wedding needed to be over, so she could high tail it back to LA and try to forget the whole humiliating experience.

"Look, I'm not judging. Frankly, between you and me? The Chief is totally hot for an older guy."

Addison heard a sound behind her that sounded like choking and as much as she wished it was Derek's ego clogging up his airways, it could only be Richard actually getting his air supply cut off by a crab cake. He coughed and Addison moved to go to his aid, but he waved her away.

"I can't throw it to Hahn or Yang because I can't ruin my mom's wedding dress by getting into a fistfight and there's already been one of those today." Callie gave a little shake of her head, but Addison could feel her friend's...she didn't know if it was disapproval or disappointment, but whatever it was, it didn't feel too good. "And, I'm not throwing it at Meredith because I'm just not. So, what you do is your business, but you've got to help me with this bouquet thing. I'd throw it to one of Shepherd's sisters, but they're all married. Although, Kathleen's husband is kind of a douche."

Yeah, he tended to get drunk at family events and always hit on her, but since Kathleen hadn't divorced him yet, Addison couldn't see her being too happy about receiving Callie's flowers.

"Okay," she sighed, "but I need to get to a bathroom first."

Callie looked her over, "I have a flight to catch, so you'll have to do, even if you're in serious need of a hair brush... and maybe some lipstick." She took Addison by the arm and she found herself being escorted toward the front entrance of the Torres mansion.

xo xo xo

Cooper waved frantically at Addison, hoping she would catch sight of him and rescue him from the scary cardio doctor. Granted, Erica Hahn wasn't quite as bad on her own as she was with the rest of the scary Seattle posse, but there was a petite Asian woman standing in one of the other cliques, staring at them like a hungry little child and it was just unnerving. He was starting to get homesick for Santa Monica and Charlotte King, and that was a very frightening thing indeed. 'Homesick' and 'Charlotte' were two words that should never be used in the same sentence.

Thankfully, Hahn had turned away to talk to another of Shepherd's sisters... there were like a million of them, and a few moments later Addison was standing beside him, looking at him thoughtfully as if she were contemplating whether she wanted to groan or burst into laughter. "Nice tampon."

Cooper grinned, trying to look smooth and casual -- well, as much as one could get under these circumstances. He'd pretended to be his coworker's boyfriend, he'd gotten caught eavesdropping in a pantry, and he'd gotten into a fistfight with Addison's ex and knocked himself unconscious with a woman's shoe all in one day. That was a lot to live down. "I'll have you know that this is a super absorbent jumbo tampon, thank you very much," he protested. "I happen to need very manly tampons for my nosebleed needs."

"I'm sure the woman whose tampon you borrowed will be happy to hear that she has masculine needs." It was the Asian woman and Cooper was afraid of moving for fear that she'd bite off a limb, but she seemed more interested in Hahn. "Next time, aim for groin and eyes. Save the world from Shepherd-Grey offspring."

"Um." He couldn't say that he'd given much thought to what Addison's ex-husband's kids would be like, but Cooper was fairly certain he wouldn't want to be their doctor.

"Yeah, we get plenty of the usual moody Meredith-and-Derek drama as it is." Hahn offered her opinion on the matter, completely unsolicited as Cooper was beginning to suspect was her habit. "We do not need to add a couple of rugrats to the list of woes. Did you two have sex?"

Cooper made a funny sound that was half laughing and half choking, and immediately put his hands to his face, shielding his nose. "Ow! I snorted the tampon up by nose!" He grimaced, from the pain in his nose and from his stuffy voice. Cooper turned to Hahn, nodding emphatically, "Yes, we did," the tampon string waving from his nostril. "We had hot, loud, and steamy jungle sex. But, not in the pantry!"

"The downstairs coat closet then, perhaps?" Hahn suggested, smirking at him and looking unfairly amused at his predicament. He really should have just stayed in the damn pantry until the weekend was over and the scary women had all gone home. "Or the laundry room, maybe?" There had been food enough to last him a good week. Pickled dill and olives. "Do you have a thing for defiling weird places, or is your fetish more pantry-specific?"

"I heard about that, during the Cake Crisis Cleanup of '08. Thanks for that one, by the way." The Asian woman grimaced for a moment before her features took on a more contemplative look. "Someone was definitely getting it on in the pantry, or else they were really excited about finding the cocktail weenie sauce. So, either the known pantry-lurker or Derek Shepherd."

A look of complete horror crossed Addison's face and Cooper didn't know whether that was at the thought of her ex doing the woman with whom he'd cheated on her, or that she was truly revolted by the thought of having sex with Cooper. He felt stupid and humiliated at that, but Addison was still gaping like a goldfish and it was his duty as her date to be chivalrous and rescue her from this obviously awkward situation.

"Hey! I'll have you know mine's a hot dog, not a cocktail weenie!" Cooper protested loudly, feeling much more embarrassed, albeit in different way. Addison was going to owe him big time for this. He turned to her, silently entreating her to help him out. He'd rescued her from some mysterious embarrassment and now it was her turn, because semi-yelling about the size of his penis wasn't on his list of things he'd planned for the weekend. "Please, tell me I didn't just say that."

"Montgomery? You happy with the size of his wiener?" Hahn looked as if she'd inquired about the weather and the Asian woman, whose name he still didn't know, kept glancing at his crotch. If this continued, he'd get performance anxiety and Cooper really wasn't outside the normal range for erect... sausages.

He noted with dismay that they were beginning to attract attention from guests standing around them, and in particular from Addison's ex, who was scowling in their direction. Cooper didn't know what the guy's problem was -- the thing with the cake and his date had been an accident. The guy had already kicked his ass and humiliated him in front of everyone. It couldn't get much worse than this.

But then, it did because something attacked him. Cooper instinctively tried to shield himself and thus, grabbed the flying pestilence, which turned out to be the bridal bouquet. He stared at it, stunned.

"Oh man, that's some ninja shriek you've got there," the Asian woman snickered, "and here I figured I'd hide behind the taller women."

Desperate not to stand there, dressed in formal wear, all banged up with a tampon in his nostril, holding a posh arrangement of orchids in his hand, Cooper offered the flowers to Addison, giving her his best lost puppy expression. She just had to take them off his hands and spare him from further indignity. There were limits to what a good date did and as far as Cooper was concerned, he'd gone above and beyond, especially considering he wasn't even dating Addison.

She hesitated briefly, but then gave in to his beseeching eyes, much to Cooper's relief and the bouquet passed from his hands into hers. He smiled in relief and she smiled back, and that was when the clapping of hands started. Were they applauding him for not depriving the unmarried ladies of a silly tradition? But no, that wasn't it, Cooper realized as soon as Mark showed up right next to him with a bottle of champagne.

"A toast," he said, winking at Addison, "for the other happy couple!" before he shook the bottle and sprayed them all.

Cooper instinctively closed his eyes and when he opened them again, after the dousing was over, he saw that everyone was watching him expectantly. Addison looked as lost as he did, standing there with her hair in wet tendrils as she stared at the bouquet in her hand. He looked around slowly, sensing that something was expected of him. They didn't really think he was going to propose, did they? Even if they did think he and Addison were a couple, they'd only known each other a matter of months! But here they were, standing in front of all of her friends, who were expecting him to drop to his knee, her to tearfully accept, and the two of them to ride off into the sunset together.

He opted for a hug, gathering Addison into an embrace that he hoped looked sweet and romantic, but was friendly enough so she wouldn't go at him with her own shoe -- it was very pointy! -- for taking a liberty like that. "What do I do?" he whispered in her ear, desperate for her to tell him she had some kind of plan to get them out of this mess. She had to have something in mind, because he was fresh out of ideas.

"I had sex in the pantry." Her voice was so small Cooper wasn't sure he'd heard her correctly. In fact, he had no idea how that confession was supposed to be help them escape this situation without suffering abject humiliation. Doing Weenie Guy in the pantry was very bad! "I didn't mean for it to happen. I was angry and he was just there." Addison's grip tightened around his waist, the flowers smacking him in the ass, and somehow champagne soaked strands of hair found their way into Cooper's mouth. He was sure people were staring at them, as they continued to stand there.

"Angry sex is hot," he whispered, wanting to make her feel better even if he had no idea what to say. Thinking on his feet wasn't his thing, and white knights didn't have tampons stuffed up their noses. "Does that mean you won't marry me?" Addison pulled back from the embrace and he smiled when he saw that she appeared to be okay. He hadn't bumbled that too badly, then. Score one for for the home team, finally!

"Excuse me." Oh, joy. The ex-husband was back and he looked just as jovial as before. "Maybe you should put these back on, before you put a ring on her finger?" A pair of panties dangled off his finger.

Addison's face lost its color and Cooper quickly snatched her underwear from public view, smiling so broadly it hurt his tamponed nose. "Hey, those are my lucky panties! Where'd you find them?" This day was made of grander fail than he thought possible and Weenie Guy was a real class act.

"Your lucky panties?" Weenie Guy looked decidedly sour at this, and Cooper wondered if he had expected a breakdown, crying over Addison's alleged infidelity, from him. Seriously, what was this guy's problem? Apart from being a pompous ass. Addison wasn't Mrs. Weenie any longer and he had his own date, who wasn't looking too happy at this little scene. There was no reason for him to be meddling in Addison's life like this.

"Well, Addison owns them, but they're lucky for me, if you know what I mean," Cooper agreed, hugging Addison closely to his side. Judging from the scowl on Derek Shepherd's face, Cooper had no doubt that the other man knew exactly what he meant. "If you'll excuse us, we're going to go celebrate in private now."

Addison's weenie ex had an ugly look on his face, and Cooper was starting to think that the guy might attack him again. He didn't want to run away, but he also didn't want to get his ass kicked for a second time that day. This whole thing had to set a record for the most utter fail ever.

"Hi, Cooper. Addison." Shepherd's date appeared by their side, smiling sweetly at him and nodded to Addison. "Congratulations on your engagement, you two." She appeared to have gotten something in her shoe and Weenie Guy hurried to lend her his arm for balance. "Isn't that great, Derek?" She shook out her shoe as her date bent closer, smiling with somewhat creepy zeal.

Cooper could feel Addison shifting and stole a glance at her, to make sure she wasn't horribly upset and self-conscious about having had her underwear waved in her face. Most women would get testy over something like that and maybe she didn't have the best of judgment in men -- Cooper could hardly cast the first stone when it came to inappropriate liaisons, but she didn't deserve to be made feel dirty and used.

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the sole of the shoe impact with Weenie Guy's face and the outraged expression of his date's. "You ass! I may have tiny, ineffectual fists, but I will still pulp your mcdreamy face!" There was blood before the Asian woman managed to grab hold of Ninja Girl to keep her from killing her date. It looked like Weenie Guy would need a nose tampon of his own, Cooper noted with a shameful amount of glee.

"A word of advice," Cooper said, keeping a bit of distance in case the other man decided to take another swing at him. He wasn't sure why he was giving recommendations to Derek Shepherd, but he suspected that he was the only one with personal experience of being smacked in the face with Ninja Girl's shoe and part of it was that Cooper was really enjoying this particular turn of karma. "You might want to try the Tampax ultra absorbent ones. They're harder to get in, but you'll bleed right through the regular ones."

"Why don't you just shut the fuck up?" Derek Shepherd glared at him, and Cooper held up his hands in resignation, trying not to smile. Some people just couldn't be pleased, and he suspected that Addison's ex was one of them.

Then again, this was the last he'd see of the man, so Cooper wouldn't have to deal with Weenie Guy's pissy disposition any longer. He turned and walked away, his arm wrapping firmly around Addison's shoulders again. "Thank you, Cooper," she smiled at him, placing a hand on his chest and kissed him on the cheek. "I owe you one." He beamed back at her -- they were pals now. She knew his secret and he hers, and the others at Oceanside would be none the wiser.

"Can we have cake now?" Cooper asked hopefully, hoping the request wasn't too silly. He'd barely gotten any today, since most of the piece Addison had brought him earlier that afternoon had ended up on Ninja Girl, and chocolate cake would pretty much taste of win right about now.


End file.
